All Of Us Are Broken
All Of Us Are Broken
Here is a rhetorical question: How and when did it get instilled in us ladies that we have to be strong enough for everyone including ourselves, no matter the hardships? From an early age, I have felt an immense pressure (that was both given to me through various circumstances throughout my life and put upon myself from having a “people pleasing” personality) to take care of everyone, including my own
We feel a pressure to not show weakness, to not admit insecurities, to be the spiritual leader, maintain a home, care for our family, take dinner to a neighbor, fulfill various appointments made, help bring in an income, and be on time for everything... all while looking clean and put together. I take care of others with pleasure, but feel guilty when I want to be taken care of. I personally feel a pressure to constantly be strong and secure in myself, my marriage, and my future. If I have a moment or day of feeling tired, weak, insecure, lonely, unfulfilled; then somehow I am disappointing everyone and I am not favored. Like so many, I have been through a lot in the last 5 years. My husband of 23 years decided to call it quits, but thankfully I have my two daughters that God blessed me with from that covenant and they are with me every day and every night. I took care of my daughters and my mom, while working two jobs on my own. I did eventually remarry and I now have another beautiful daughter! She is 2 and happens to have an extra chromosome and had open heart surgery last summer. She is imperfectly perfect like us all! December 2017, I had my first miscarriage and lost my mom within 24 hours. Four months later, my job position was eliminated. God has placed me on this beautiful journey and through it all, I continue to learn more about love, life, and myself!
I haven’t “broken” down emotionally in front of anyone, however, I have had my emotional moments in the car or the shower. I feel an expectation to make sure there is peace and happiness among my family because I am only as happy as my saddest child. I know one reason the strong desire is there to make sure everyone else is ok is because I was conditioned to do so during the anger and abusiveness that was endured in my first marriage by my two older girls and myself.
The truth is, I am broken inside. I am so grateful for the relationship I have with God and I know there is purpose in the pain. There is purpose in why people leave (even church friends) and abandon you. There is purpose in the rumors. There is purpose in death. There is purpose in life! As long as we have breath, God isn’t finished with us and there is a light meant to shine, especially in the brokenness!
We are all broken... that’s how the light gets in! The beauty of brokenness, is the healing that takes place afterwards and the ability to love and encourage another while letting them know they are not alone. The "light' of hope, wisdom, and love gained from experiencing real life and real circumstances can shine for others if we chose to let it. Whether one has a child with special needs, doubts their purpose and worth, or has experienced a loss of any kind; the light shared with others from our hardships may just be the strength someone else needs in disguise.
I write about life and family. My heart's desire is to educate as I am being educated, while inspiring and encouraging others through the beauty of Down Syndrome.